$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
