he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
