My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
