I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
