You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
