i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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