I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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