My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
