It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
can u get pink eye on your cock?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
