I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
