If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How does one acquire holy water?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
