Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
