im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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