i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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