Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
