Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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