sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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