I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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