His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
