my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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