saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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