I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
