my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize