i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dignity is for republicans.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
