dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am available for nakedness
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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