I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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