put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
