Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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