got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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