but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
