I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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