Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
