There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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