Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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