I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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