i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This is the high leading the old right now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
COCAINE IS GR8
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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