Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
