I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
