Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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