why didn't you poke me back
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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