Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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