im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
