Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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