I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
