now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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