Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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