Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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