She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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