Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
