I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
