i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
