maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
