I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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