that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
