I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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