that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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