I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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