I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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