My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i dont even know how to be here
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
