I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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