my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
