someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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