i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
