Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
