someone threw a dead crab at me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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